Am I On The Right Path

996544_10151531300421845_2105040090_n

How quickly it seems as though everything has changed. I was told two days ago that my boyfriend of six months doesn’t love me anymore. I am no longer living my carefree life in San Diego but rather back on the homework grind. I’m still searching for answers about my faith but I’m beginning to think that could be a lost cause. Continuing on my soul search but greeted with uncertainty as of late.

While I hate that I’m not my happy and bubbly self right now, I can’t help but ask why. Why do people leave? Why am I so unsure about everything that I’m doing right now? Why isn’t my path clear? And why am I complaining when life is so good?

For the first two days I felt nothing. I barely cried. I was in shock and didn’t see it coming. Today I wrote a letter and my emotions got the better of me. I have a hard time watching people walk in and out of my life. That’s one less friend, one soon-to-be-forgotten memory, one chapter that is closed.

How can we believe that we are meant to be with one other when they are so quick to throw in the towel and follow Pluto’s retrograde schemes. Does any of this make sense… probably not.

“Don’t settle. Don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you’re not on the right path, get off it.” -Chris Brogan

Am I on the right path? Are you?

My 10,000 hours. Here’s to figuring it out.

IMG_4367

Hi there. It’s been a while. I can’t even imagine catching up on the last 5 months of my life.

This summer I’ve been interning in San Diego and living in a house with 35 others. My life feels so different than that of the girl pictured below. To start, I’ve been in a relationship for the last 4 months and have lived one of the best summers I’ve ever had.

As much as I feel that things have changed, the reason I started this blog has remained constant. I am still on a search to find what my soul looks like. I’ve been investigating what makes me happy and the ways in which I love. I’ve learned a lot about living in the moment and the importance of just being and letting life happen. I am such a planner but I’ve found that only gets you so far and that life isn’t meant to be completely mapped out. Usually things have a way of working themselves out.

Something that has been on my mind lately is finding my 10,000 hours. I want to do something for 10,000 hours and become an expert in it. But the question is what? I’m finding life so interesting currently but I’m the observer. I watch my peers and am soaking up so much information but I have yet to find my overarching purpose. That journey is still very much alive and reeling.

My previous posts make me seem slightly boy crazy, and I think I am. Right now, I have a wonderful boyfriend and it seems silly to think about how many wasted thoughts, tears, texts, trauma I experienced out of loneliness and desire. The next question is this, can I truly find myself when I am with someone else?

Here’s to my 10,000 hours. Here’s to figuring it all out in the moment.

So there’s this boy…

About a month ago, my sorority had a social with a fraternity and as I was eating dinner, this guy looks at me and introduces himself. After about five minutes of talking I look at one of my sisters and I give her the “he’s good-looking and not a douche” eyes. We talk for awhile and it turns out he’s from a small town in South Dakota. Towards the end of the night he invites us to a party and tells us he hopes to see us there. From the first moment I met him I was genuinely intrigued.

Around 11:30 we get to the party and he’s standing by the door. He remembers me and says hello and that he’ll find me later. That night, both of us are virtually sober, and we talk for hours. I learn about his family, belief system, hometown, where he’s traveled, his outlook on life, just everything. My friends had to pry me away and I left feeling a connection that I’ve never felt with anyone before. In a sea of all wrong, he was the only person I had met so far in college that I knew I shared a true bond with. Obviously, being a teenage girl, the first thing I do is add him on facebook.

A few days go by and I felt attached to my phone. I was starting to annoy myself by constantly looking for the accepted friend request, so I made one of my sisters request him also. He was all I could think about.

That week, my sorority attended one of their soccer games and I saw him there. The entire game we kept looking at one another but he didn’t come up to me and I was hesitant and nervous to go up to him. The whole game went by and still, nothing. As I was getting ready to go and talking to one of his brothers, I see him kind of lingering directly behind me waiting for me to say something. As casual as I could, I turn around and lightly hit him. We talked for about 10 minutes and I kept trying to drop hints about him adding me on facebook or asking for my number. That Thursday, his fraternity was having a Valentines day party and I tried to suavely ask him if he was going. Eventually, we both left and I was none the closer to finding out if the connection was mutual. The whole time I could feel that he was into it; I can’t explain it.

That Thursday, conveniently Valentines day, my sisters and I got dressed up and went to the party his fraternity was hosting. Immediately upon getting there I was ready to leave. There were so many people and I knew that if I stayed much longer things could turn ugly. We left around 11:30 and at that point I realized that I was obsessing over some boy who I barely knew. I felt stupid and lonely and it was Valentines day, so that night I deleted my friend request on facebook and decided it was time to move on. I was beginning to drive myself crazy and enough was enough.

The next week, one of his brothers, who was a roommate to one of my friends, messaged me on facebook. He had remembered me ask if unnamed boy was a good guy and felt the need to message me if I was still interested. He asked if I wanted to go on a double date or if I wanted him to talk to him for me. At first, I was excited and thought this must be a sign that this boy is meant to be in my life, but soon that excitement turned to hesitation. I found it strange that I hadn’t heard from this guy and I didn’t know if he told his brother to talk to me or if this was a random act. After getting to the bottom of it over facebook messenger, I come to find that he just remembered me asking about him and that he hadn’t spoken with the boy. I was disappointed at this point, but anxious for what was to come.

The next morning I am sitting on campus with one of my sisters and she checks her phone to see that the boy accepted her friend request. Again, as the teenage girl that I am, I proceed to steal her phone and creep on his profile. As we’re going through his pictures, a couple start to become questionable boyfriend/girlfriend pictures. Before I look any further, I tell my sister to check his relationship status. Sure enough, this boy is in a relationship and I was in shock. How had he never said anything? How had I not picked up on it? Why did his brother message me about going on a double date? I was mortified. I instantly messaged his brother and told him that this guy had a girlfriend and asked him to never mention our conversation to him.

After class, I came home and took a much needed nap. I woke up to a friend request from this boy and decided that I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing with it and went to an event that my sorority was having later that night. Around 9pm I checked my Facebook to see that this boy had messaged me and asked me to come to their soccer game that same night because apparently he had been meaning to talk to me and gave me his number.

I forced some of the girls in my sorority to go to the game with me and luckily, quite a few came with. At the end of the game, he came up to me and asked if he could walk me to my car. After that, everything changed.

We talked for over an hour and covered everything. From small talk, to his girlfriend, we both opened up. He apologized for not telling me he had a girlfriend, but he told me that when we started talking, he too felt this crazy connection and didn’t know what to do. After I rambled for awhile, I told him that I would never want to put him in an uncomfortable position with his girlfriend, nor would I ever ask him to break up with her, but rather that I wanted to get to know him better. He admitted that he could feel himself wanting to potentially be more than friends in the future, but we both decided to stop avoiding the other and to try to see if we could do the whole friend thing. I was happy and relieved that I wasn’t as crazy as I thought I was.

Since then, we’ve talked a little but each day and this past weekend he invited me to go to our college’s basketball game with him and his brothers. I brought a few sisters, but the entire night all of our attention was focused on one another. We talked the whole way to the game, at the game, back from the game, and at the party after. I can feel myself becoming attached and I don’t know what to do.

My head knows that me talking to him like this is wrong because he has a girlfriend, but I don’t want to stop talking to him. I wish I could confidently say that our relationship is strictly friendly, but I know that’s not true; everyone can see it. He would never cheat on his girlfriend, nor would I ever let him, but this still feels wrong. If I was dating him, granted they have been on and off since their senior year of high school, I would feel hurt and never want him talking to another girl this way. I can’t put in words how I feel when we’re together and I know that there is something so special about this boy. I can feel myself beginning to fall and I think it’s a little too late to stop myself.

As I embark on this journey of self-discovery in 2013 I find myself in a pickle. I don’t think I’m doing the right thing necessarily, but I think I’d be more disappointed in myself if I let him slip through my fingers. I guess it just makes me ask what the new and improved version of myself would do.

I’m allowed to test the waters in 2013, right? Doesn’t it always come back to a story about a boy…

Vibrant and Alive

Vibrant and Alive

Today, I went red… and I adore it! Not only does red stand for love, but it also symbolizes confidence. Seeing as I started this blog to better understand myself, I am happy to say that I am starting to project these characteristics. Thus far, this year has brought me to experience some amazing adventures, make many new friends, and try new things and it’s only February.

Dying my hair red was just the tangible way of showing how I feel inside, vibrant and alive.

Time Heals All Wounds

Time Heals All Wounds

So, I’ve kind of been slacking on this whole blog thing, but it is time to get back on the writing train. The last few months have been up and down. Between a new internship, school, joining a sorority, and keeping up with the day to day stuff, I’ve been a little all over the place.

Sometimes, it is so strange how life works out. The other day my Spanish class got out 15 minutes early and after class I was talking to my friend for about 5 minutes when I felt like it was time to go. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, “Rachel, leave”… so I did. As I started walking to my car, I called a friend and was focused on our conversation when all of a sudden I looked up and saw someone. I saw someone that used to mean everything to me and this would be the first time I’ve physically seen him in almost 2 years. When I happened to see him, he was already looking at me and because of what I am attributing to human instinct, he looked away immediately. I continued with my phone conversation until I was about 5 paces ahead and I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I became very anxious, very quickly. I hung up the phone and rushed to my car. I sat there for a few minutes in silence. All these thoughts came racing into my head like, “should I text him?”, “what is he thinking?”, “how did I look?”, etc. and the whole experience was so strange. I have been on the ASU campus for almost 2 years now and walking this same route for the entire semester and I happened to see him on campus today?

To me, it’s just so crazy how you can love someone and make them your life, but eventually you become complete strangers. This person has been the source of so many happy memories and a lot of awful ones to, but now, we have absolutely no bearing on one another. As Valentines day rounds the corner and I think back to this time 2 years ago when I was head-over-heels in love and then I see him and don’t even say hello… it’s just so strange.

This year is definitely about personal growth and this blog is focused on self-discovery, but sometimes it’s hard to remember that you can learn from every experience. I am so proud of how far I have come from my senior year when I was completely and utterly depressed when we broke up. The person I saw will always hold a sacred place in my heart, but seeing him and not feeling anything, good or bad, is such a relief. I never thought I’d believe it, but time really does heal all wounds.

For the first time I can confidently say, 2013, come at me, because I’m ready for you.

In 2013 I Shall Not Settle and Channel My Inner Strength

A Year of Not Settling and Inner Strength

Meet Sara. Sara currently resides in Los Angeles, works for Warner Brother Records, and she is also my sister. A few days ago we were up late and I was telling her about the pressure I feel to have everything figured out. Naturally, we moved to the topic of “the-seemingly-necessary-boyfriend-figure-in-my-life-who-really-does-not-give-a-shit-about-me” and she gave me the best advice any college-aged female could ever hear. She said, “Rachel, everyone has a top five”, and proceeded to raise up five fingers. She explained that her New Years resolution a couple years back was to eliminate the five. Sara described the five as the boy you text when you are drunk, when you are horny, when you are lonely, when you want to cuddle on a Sunday evening, and the one that has always been there. These boys will never turn into anything more than just that and it is time to delete their numbers, stop texting them, stop thinking about them and move forward. I asked her what I would do when they would just pop up in my mind, they have a way of doing that, and she said that you have to occupy yourself. Open a book, call a friend, turn off your phone, and think.

I have decided that this year my New Years resolution will be to eliminate the five because I deserve better and I am better than that. There is no sense to keep them around and I will not settle. I deserve someone who is not on the fence about me and who genuinely cares for me. When I look at this picture of Sara, I think about how amazing she is, but more importantly, how happy she was this day, boy-less and beautiful.

Here is to a year of not settling and inner strength when I feel weak. Here is to Sara. And here is to real love.

The Beginning

I am a very goal-oriented person and for that reason, I would like to preface this journey with my objectives. After having a long talk with someone I love, I decided it is time to find my soul in an original and creative way. There are no rules to this blog, other than to let it take me. I want to document my life in order to discover what makes me who I am. I would like to strip away the titles, my age, and who I think I am. This blog will be an introspective view of the layers that make up my very awkwrd life. I am not unhappy, nor am I particularly happy, but it is time to do something about it. Right this second, my vision is to record my life, as I see fit, through original writings, images, stream-of-consciousness thoughts, songs that resonate with me, recipes, and any other glimpses of my energy. In total, this blog will serve as a window to the soul of a comfortably awkwrd female who finds herself caught in it. You know, ‘it’.