About a month ago, my sorority had a social with a fraternity and as I was eating dinner, this guy looks at me and introduces himself. After about five minutes of talking I look at one of my sisters and I give her the “he’s good-looking and not a douche” eyes. We talk for awhile and it turns out he’s from a small town in South Dakota. Towards the end of the night he invites us to a party and tells us he hopes to see us there. From the first moment I met him I was genuinely intrigued.
Around 11:30 we get to the party and he’s standing by the door. He remembers me and says hello and that he’ll find me later. That night, both of us are virtually sober, and we talk for hours. I learn about his family, belief system, hometown, where he’s traveled, his outlook on life, just everything. My friends had to pry me away and I left feeling a connection that I’ve never felt with anyone before. In a sea of all wrong, he was the only person I had met so far in college that I knew I shared a true bond with. Obviously, being a teenage girl, the first thing I do is add him on facebook.
A few days go by and I felt attached to my phone. I was starting to annoy myself by constantly looking for the accepted friend request, so I made one of my sisters request him also. He was all I could think about.
That week, my sorority attended one of their soccer games and I saw him there. The entire game we kept looking at one another but he didn’t come up to me and I was hesitant and nervous to go up to him. The whole game went by and still, nothing. As I was getting ready to go and talking to one of his brothers, I see him kind of lingering directly behind me waiting for me to say something. As casual as I could, I turn around and lightly hit him. We talked for about 10 minutes and I kept trying to drop hints about him adding me on facebook or asking for my number. That Thursday, his fraternity was having a Valentines day party and I tried to suavely ask him if he was going. Eventually, we both left and I was none the closer to finding out if the connection was mutual. The whole time I could feel that he was into it; I can’t explain it.
That Thursday, conveniently Valentines day, my sisters and I got dressed up and went to the party his fraternity was hosting. Immediately upon getting there I was ready to leave. There were so many people and I knew that if I stayed much longer things could turn ugly. We left around 11:30 and at that point I realized that I was obsessing over some boy who I barely knew. I felt stupid and lonely and it was Valentines day, so that night I deleted my friend request on facebook and decided it was time to move on. I was beginning to drive myself crazy and enough was enough.
The next week, one of his brothers, who was a roommate to one of my friends, messaged me on facebook. He had remembered me ask if unnamed boy was a good guy and felt the need to message me if I was still interested. He asked if I wanted to go on a double date or if I wanted him to talk to him for me. At first, I was excited and thought this must be a sign that this boy is meant to be in my life, but soon that excitement turned to hesitation. I found it strange that I hadn’t heard from this guy and I didn’t know if he told his brother to talk to me or if this was a random act. After getting to the bottom of it over facebook messenger, I come to find that he just remembered me asking about him and that he hadn’t spoken with the boy. I was disappointed at this point, but anxious for what was to come.
The next morning I am sitting on campus with one of my sisters and she checks her phone to see that the boy accepted her friend request. Again, as the teenage girl that I am, I proceed to steal her phone and creep on his profile. As we’re going through his pictures, a couple start to become questionable boyfriend/girlfriend pictures. Before I look any further, I tell my sister to check his relationship status. Sure enough, this boy is in a relationship and I was in shock. How had he never said anything? How had I not picked up on it? Why did his brother message me about going on a double date? I was mortified. I instantly messaged his brother and told him that this guy had a girlfriend and asked him to never mention our conversation to him.
After class, I came home and took a much needed nap. I woke up to a friend request from this boy and decided that I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing with it and went to an event that my sorority was having later that night. Around 9pm I checked my Facebook to see that this boy had messaged me and asked me to come to their soccer game that same night because apparently he had been meaning to talk to me and gave me his number.
I forced some of the girls in my sorority to go to the game with me and luckily, quite a few came with. At the end of the game, he came up to me and asked if he could walk me to my car. After that, everything changed.
We talked for over an hour and covered everything. From small talk, to his girlfriend, we both opened up. He apologized for not telling me he had a girlfriend, but he told me that when we started talking, he too felt this crazy connection and didn’t know what to do. After I rambled for awhile, I told him that I would never want to put him in an uncomfortable position with his girlfriend, nor would I ever ask him to break up with her, but rather that I wanted to get to know him better. He admitted that he could feel himself wanting to potentially be more than friends in the future, but we both decided to stop avoiding the other and to try to see if we could do the whole friend thing. I was happy and relieved that I wasn’t as crazy as I thought I was.
Since then, we’ve talked a little but each day and this past weekend he invited me to go to our college’s basketball game with him and his brothers. I brought a few sisters, but the entire night all of our attention was focused on one another. We talked the whole way to the game, at the game, back from the game, and at the party after. I can feel myself becoming attached and I don’t know what to do.
My head knows that me talking to him like this is wrong because he has a girlfriend, but I don’t want to stop talking to him. I wish I could confidently say that our relationship is strictly friendly, but I know that’s not true; everyone can see it. He would never cheat on his girlfriend, nor would I ever let him, but this still feels wrong. If I was dating him, granted they have been on and off since their senior year of high school, I would feel hurt and never want him talking to another girl this way. I can’t put in words how I feel when we’re together and I know that there is something so special about this boy. I can feel myself beginning to fall and I think it’s a little too late to stop myself.
As I embark on this journey of self-discovery in 2013 I find myself in a pickle. I don’t think I’m doing the right thing necessarily, but I think I’d be more disappointed in myself if I let him slip through my fingers. I guess it just makes me ask what the new and improved version of myself would do.
I’m allowed to test the waters in 2013, right? Doesn’t it always come back to a story about a boy…